Author(s): Anonymous
Length: 18,852 words
Publisher: None
Rating: 5/5
Short-and-Stupid Synopsis: This is Moses's first attempt at the horror genre. He talks about: violently murdering animals, closing lepers up in caves, how you shouldn't touch a dead ferret, and if you choose not to follow God, he'll send coyotes to eat your children, then force you to cannibalize their leftover scraps.
Favorite line: 26:21 "And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins."
So far, this is my favorite book in the Bible, mostly because it's pretty fucking terrifying. If I was a non-believer, knew absolutely NOTHING about Christianity, and had only been reading the first three books of the Bible, I would have turned away and never looked back. No wonder modern Christians encourage so much New Testament reading!
This book reminded me of the first time I ever did something really stupid at church when I was younger. You know, besides attending it in the first place.
I had only been a part of my new-found youth group for a month or two when our leader, a gangly woman that looked like Carol Burnett but wasn't even close to being so pleasant, decided we should watch a Veggie Tales film. As a sixth grader, I was at the age where I was striking out and thinking a bit for myself, but not too much, because it was kind of scary when mom and dad weren't around. I remember sitting and watching the small screen, thinking to myself: This has to be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen.
So, instead, I decided to ignore the programming and doodle on the back of an old church flyer. I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking, but I definitely decided it would be a really awesome idea to draw a whole bunch of huge tits and vaginas.
Now, please keep in mind that, as a young boy, I was not obsessed with drawing genitalia. In fact, I can't think of a time in my youth aside from this exact moment I drew anything remotely pornographic. Maybe it was a surreal talking vegetables. Maybe it was the terrible animation. Maybe it was the atrocious use of puns. For whatever reason, watching Veggie Tales filled my pre-pubescent mind with sin. Like, a ton of fucking sin.
Several minutes into my visual escapades, I noticed that a few girls in the group were gesturing towards me from a foot or two away. It's not like I was really even trying to cover my drawing up. I still, to this day, have no idea what possessed me to be so blatantly obvious, but it didn't take long before I looked up from sketching this gloriously hairy snatch and saw my youth leader giving me a long, cold stare. She took my doodles and pen away from me and pointed to the television.
I was mortified.
I couldn't believe I'd been caught. Really, I thought I was invincible and that I could just go on plastering that slip of green paper with sexual organs 'til the cows came home.
I immediately stood up, walked out of the room, down the hallway, out of the church, and nearly a half-mile home. I didn't come back for about a month, until this gnawing sense of loneliness sprang up, along with a desire to rekindle my relationship with God (or maybe it was the guilt and I didn't want to burn eternally in a dark pit of fire).
To my surprise, the youth leader acted as if nothing ever happened. I was never reprimanded, I was never questioned. I was just accepted. I continued attending without any other issue, until I moved on to the "teen" youth group at the Baptist church a year later.
Image courtesy of MyFerretPet.com.
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